


go hard on me

by zimskivojnik



Series: Bucky & Tones [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Fix-It of Sorts, Guilt, M/M, Sad, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 17:31:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14815743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zimskivojnik/pseuds/zimskivojnik
Summary: Sometimes forgiveness is the worst punishment, not that Tony intended it to be. Which made it even worse.





	go hard on me

**Author's Note:**

> my first marvel fic on ao3, written for my friend bass with a shitload of angst cause im an asshole lol
> 
> enjoy!

_I need air._

They were just about done with yet another security breach - this time the villain had smaller ambitions (a mere destruction of America's most popular city), and thank fucking heavens for it - but as if it were a rule of thumb, Tony somehow managed to get in more trouble than originally planned, hence the surprise and lack of preparation for being submerged in the cold Hudson river.

The logical part of his brain listed over and over again how the river wasn't deep, how the suit was waterproof and how he'd be okay, but he sustained quite a lot of damage and when he felt water rushing in through a gaping hole on the suit, he felt the initial panic pick up again as tears and fresh water blurred his vision.

_Please, not again._

Suddenly he was in Afghanistan again, deserted in a cave, his head shoved into the barrel and as his mouth filled with lukewarm water and ears with shouts in a foregin language, he realised he was all alone, breathless.

This felt the same, and as his vision blackened he could hear muffled shouting barely reaching his ears.

He was on the brink of unconsciousness when someone grabbed his right arm, pulling him out of the water and carrying him to the shore. His mask was forcibly removed, along with his suit a few seconds later, and he could finally breathe as the hands that picked his armor apart now rested on his face. 

"Can you see me?" 

His vision was still a bit blurry, but the face he saw once he blinked away the water made him wish he'd blacked out already. 

He swatted the hands away and started coughing, already aware that this whole thing warranted a panic attack of sorts, so he quickly drew his legs up to his chest as his body started shaking violently again. He saw a reluctant hand reach for him, and he flinched involuntarily, hissing through his teeth between coughs:

"Don't you dare touch me, Barnes."

_Why did his have to be the first face I see._

His lungs didn't seem to cooperate, although he tried to suck in air as much as he could, it was nowhere nearly enough to stop his vision from swimming, and his chest from hurting. He was trembling, his eyes welling with tears cause he felt just as helpless as he was in that cave, surrounded by people who wanted nothing but harm him. 

"Please, let me help you come down from this. Please, Tony, I can't-" 

"Don't. Fucking. Touch. Me."

He spat, pressing his hands to the reactor, suddenly afraid that the water might somehow damage it (despite there being no chance of such thing happening) and his panicking got even worse because now he might be left with no lungs, no heart, nothing to keep him alive and breathing still. His shaky breaths got even more shallow, and suddenly the black dots in his vision expanded to a complete darkness that engulfed him. 

_Please. I just want to breathe._

~

The knuckles of his non-metal hand were turning white as he tried to will himself into not just grabbing Tony by his face and forcing him to reason with Bucky. The man looked like he was about to collapse, his face pale and eyes sunken, though it might've been aided with the lack of sleep he was known for. His entire frame was shaking horrendously, and his eyes were so full of utter _fear_ that made Bucky paralyzed, afraid of making it worse as he knew he and Tony never really talked after the fight in Siberia. In this state, he would only be able to recall the ill intent tied with Bucky from their last encounter in armor, and even though they were living in the same building and were on the same team for the past few weeks Bucky wasn't stupid to think it was enough to make Tony trust him, especially not when this vulnerable. 

So he forced himself to stay still as he watched the man wheeze and desperately gasp for air, his pained expression tugging at Bucky's heartstrings. He tried talking to Tony, but the response he got from him was dripping with hatred and fear, _he's terrified of me,_ and it somehow made everything ten times worse. 

Tony finally collapsed, his fingers pressing onto the blue light on his chest, his face still contorted in agony. Bucky called for FRIDAY to fly the suit back to the tower, picking Tony up to carry him there. 

He almost flinched at the feel of Tony's body, worryingly cold and still bleeding on his left side, and Bucky felt a pang in his chest again at how fragile and tired the man looked, his breaths short and face wet with tears. It dawned on him that this is the same man he and Steve teamed up on, the same man they punched relentlessly, the same man whose parents he murdered, the same man who they left bleeding and torn apart in Siberia. He felt a wave of nausea hit him at the thought of just how broken it must've left him, but he kept walking, knowing that Tony needed warmth and rest and he would be damned if he didn't bring him home to that as soon as possible. 

_I'm so sorry._

He should've helped him through his panic attack, hell, he had his fair share of those. He should've ignored the man's weakened protests, should've forced himself to move. He should've helped him. 

_So fucking sorry._

When they finally reached the building, he was relieved to see thet Tony's breathing evened out a little, and as he carried him to his bedroom and placed him carefully on the bed, he realised he just now let out a breath of relief, telling Steve over the comm that he and Ironman were back at the tower, safe. 

Stripping him slowly from his wet undersuit, he inspected the wound on his torso, and thankfully it wasn't serious. He pulled out the med kit and cleaned the shallow cuts, carefully bandaging them before pulling the covers over Tony's ice cold body. He asked FRIDAY to turn up the heat a little before walking out. 

He went to his own room, exhaustion hitting him after a hard fight, and as he looked at himself in the mirror before stepping into the shower, he saw tear tracks on his own face, and he couldn't even remember crying. 

~

Waking up was always hellish for Tony. Especially after having a nightmare, his AI waking him, and this time it was even worse with the pounding in his head. He groaned at the bright light filling his vision, as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, grateful it wasn't as bad as they usually are. 

"Fri, how long was I out?" 

"Seventeen hours and eleven minutes since coming to the tower, Sir."

"Wait, what happened again?"

"You had a field intervention, Sir. You were knocked into water, and went into a panic attack, before Sgt. Barnes pulled you out and got you to the shore. He got you out of the suit and ordered to fly it back, it is damaged on the left side of the torso plates 23 and 24, Sir."

"Barnes?"

And then he remembered. Panicking because water got into the suit. Barnes pulling him out. Barnes trying to touch him, him yelling in return. Barnes' worried expression before he blacked out. 

"And how did I get to my bed, exactly?" 

"Sgt. Barnes carried you here, disinfected your wound, and put you to bed. He then left to his room."

Tony was shocked, to say the least. He didn't expect for Barnes to stay beside him throughout the panic attack, let alone carry him all the way back. Why would he do that? 

"Hey, Tones. Are you feeling better?" 

Natasha asked him as soon as he emerged into the living room, dressed in plain gray sweats and a hoodie. 

"Yea, just hungry and cold."

"Well, I could sort out both," she smiled fondly at him, a quick, barely-there smile that he knew she barely gave to people. He smiled back, lazily dragging himself to the couch, and moments later he had a blanket over his shoulders and a sandwich in his hand. 

"Eat up, then we can cuddle and watch this show I found on Netflix last night."

Tony devoured the ham sandwich, washing it down with OJ she poured for him, before snuggling into her side and sharing his blanket. 

They watched some comedy police show for a while, laughing here and there, when she asked out of nowhere:

"So, a panic attack? Why?" 

"Uh, water got into my suit. It was damaged a bit."

He lifted up his shirt to show her bandages that Barnes put there. 

"And Bucky carried you back here? Patched you up?" 

"Yeah, I guess."

"Why do you think he did it?" 

Tony looked back at the screen, thinking about the question for a bit. He ended up shrugging, turning to Natasha again, who was sipping at her tea and staring at him intently. 

"No clue. Guilt? Pity? I don't know which one's worse. S' not that I care though."

"Mhm. Okay." 

"You know something I don't?" 

"No, but I'm certain it's neither guilt or pity that made him do it."

She had _that_ look on her face again, the one that said she figured it all out and now could tease Tony for being painfully oblivious, so the fact that he still asked despite knowing that, only made him seem even more naive. 

"And what is it then?" 

"I guess we'll find out soon enough."

Tony rolled his eyes, knowing that she wouldn't give away whatever she was thinking off right now, so he didn't even try to persuade her into spilling what she was hinting at. They were alone in the tower, Clint and Bruce were out for a hike, Sam was on a trip down south, so the two of them were enjoying their relaxing afternoon when Steve and Bucky came into the room. 

Steve looked dead tired, breathing heavily as he plopped down onto the armchair next to Tony. Bucky seemed okay, though, as he warily sat across from them. 

"Heya there, Tony, how are you? Did you sleep well?" 

"Yeah. I'm good."

And if Steve saddened a little at his cold tone, no one said anything, as they knew how rocky their relationship was now. Tony still wasn't ready to forgive his friend's betrayal, and they still had a long way to go from fhe inital apologies weeks ago, but they were getting there. 

Soon, Steve's attention turned to Natasha as she asked him about their workout regime, and Tony thanked her silently by squeezing her arm a little, and as he looked back at the screen he couldn't help but feel like he was being watched. 

He turned his gaze to Barnes, who was staring at him still, his face an unreadable mask, and Tony was just so tired, too tired to care now. Something in those icy blue eyes made him stare back at the soldier, and before he realised what was happening, they were left alone as Nat and Steve slipped out of the living room, unnoticed. 

The tension from before intensified, as Barnes cleared his throat and spoke. 

"I'm sorry, Tony. For everything. I know that nothing I say could possibly dull the impact of my doings, nothing I do can fix all of the things I've done to you with no reason whatsoever, I just want you to know that I live with that guilt every single day since, well, since I got back to being myself, and if it means anything I'm still hurting over what I've done to you, and even if you miraculously do end up forgiving me for everything some day, be assured that I'll never be able to forgive myself."

_Well, I sure wasn't expecting this._

~

Bucky still stared at the man in front of him, his eyes red and fingernails digging into his palms as he tried to keep his voice leveled through his apology. 

Tony was quiet, never looking away, before nodding slowly after what felt like an eternity. He let out a deep sigh, looking both broken and relieved, and Bucky couldn't imagine how hurt someone had to be to be able to let go of such offense. 

"It's okay, Barnes. I forgive you. You weren't really yourself when you did that."

Bucky was shocked, to say the least. He knew his face probably showed that quite obviously, but he didn't care, not now, not when Tony forgave him for making him an orphan, and it made him almost feel even more guilty for harming - even if it was unwillingly - this incredible person. But then, Tony continued. 

"If anything, I should be the one to apologize, you know, for trying to kill you even though I knew you were brainwashed to do it. And for being a dick, when you were the one to save me from drowning. I'm sorry, Barnes, I really am."

"But, how? Why?" 

Tony only gave him a sad smile, as he finally broke the eye contact. 

"Most people hurt me knowingly. Intentionally." _Steve._ "You didn't. It's okay, Bucky."

And before Bucky could protest anymore, Tony stood up and approached him, slowly extending his hand. 

"To new beginnings."

Bucky shook his hand, suddenly feeling disgusted with himself, with everything he has done to the man that despite all that offered him a home, food, hell, even his friendship, and he didn't deserve any of it, especially not from Tony. 

He withdrew his hand before standing up shakily, heading towards the door. 

"Bucky."

It was an exhausted voice, a weak voice calling after him, and he dared not to move any further. 

"Where are you going?" 

"I don't know."

"Good. Cause I know where we could go."

~

They were sitting on top of Stark tower, at the very edge of the helipad, and Bucky would've marveled in the view of New York at sundown if it were any other day. 

Now, his eyes were glued to Tony as he was still processing their conversation. The man seemed unphased by this, his gaze trained onto the crimson sky and the buildings they overlooked. 

"How can you possibly forgive me? I'm a monster, I killed your parents, I don't deserve your forgiveness. The kindness. Any of it."

Tony's face contorted now, anger flashing on his features before he relaxed again, eyes still scanning the skyline. He looked angelic in this light, orange and warm that made his skin glow, somehow erasing all the fatigue from his expression. He didn't deserve the privilege of seeing him like this. 

"I know very well what happened to my parents. And yeah, I hated you, despised even the thought of you because I blamed you for killing my parents, I blamed you for turning my friends against me, I blamed you for leaving me in Russia, for destroying my only anchor in panic attacks," he said after a long pause, pointedly tapping at the blue light again, "but none of it, was your fault."

Bucky wanted to protest, but Tony shook his head, continuing:

"It was HYDRA that wanted my parents dead, not you. It was them who used you to kill my parents, and left you on your own to deal with the blame as if you were the guilty one, and when I first saw that video I knew it was shown to me only to piss me off and I gave into that anger, I shouldn't have. I'm sorry for that, honestly."

He looked as if every word he said drained him a bit more, and he was still going through with it because he knew Bucky needed to hear it, and it sucked that he was getting comforted by the man who Bucky had hurt more than anyone else, but he couldn't stop him from talking. He didn't want to. 

"For the rest of those, it was Steve, my _friend_ , he used to be, that is. He was the one to use you as an excuse to turn his back on me. He was the one who punched me into the concrete, who drove his shield through the arc, into my chest because he knew that would hurt me more than anything else. He knew it could've killed me, knew it would make me panic, lose myself. He still did it. You, on the other hand, didn't even try to hurt me, even though I could've killed you. I ruined your arm. I hurt you, even though I knew HYDRA was controlling you then. And now, you saved my life, and I would be an idiot if I still saw you as a murderer, a monster, knowing now how much guilt you've been dealing with for things you never were to blame for. I'm sorry, Bucky, for not realizing this sooner."

Bucky didn't realize he was crying before Tony pulled him into a hug, and somehow it was the most terrifying thing ever - how much trust this man was able to give Bucky after everything, after betrayal and pain he went through, and right now all he could do was hug him back, desperately clinging onto Tony's shoulders as if the world would fall apart if he let go of him now. Only minutes later would they part, and Bucky stood up, pulling Tony up with him, as he didn't want to ignore how tired the man was anymore. He guided them through the tower, all but dragging Tony to bed, making sure the covers reached up to his chin. 

~

There were times when he remembered Tony's words from that evening, and he would smile to himself, feeling honored to have met such an understanding, logical person.

There were also times when he wanted to beg Tony to just hit him, punch him, beat him to pulp and throw him out from his home, make him pay for everything he's done to him. There were times when Tony's rare, kind smiles left him wanting to run for the hills and stay there, lost to the wonders of a new world and a team he surely didn't deserve to be a part of. He stumbled into his workshop on one of his particularly bad nights, and when Tony greeted him fondly, Bucky couldn't stop himself before all of his thoughts spilled out. 

"Why don't you punish me? Why did you let me stay in your house? You let me on your team, as if I didn't kill dozens of innocent people, as if I didn't make you an orphan and thus vulnerable to the world that only took advantage of you. Instead of killing me on sight, you're giving me free food and making sure that I feel welcome here, in your new family, how do you even live with yourself? Don't you wish I was dead? Don't you wish to just fry my face off with your glove there? I'm a monster, Stark, I'm barely living with myself, I sure as hell can't wrap my head 'round why you want to. Do you not love them? You glad I killed them? Your dad? Your mom, Maria-"

"Please, stop."

Tony's hands were shaking now, his eyes glistening with unshed tears as he stared at Bucky, motionless. 

And only then Bucky realised how selfish it was of him, to relieve his own guilt on the man who didn't deserve to be burdened with yet another issue that wasn't even his to deal with. No one deserved that, let alone Tony. 

"I'm sorry-" 

"Stop talking, James."

They stood in silence for a while, the only sounds being humming and whirring noises from bots Tony had working on a new project. He walked over to the table after what seemed like a year, pouring himself a glass of scotch, his fingers trembling as he brought it to his lips. 

"I know well what you did. Killing my parents isn't on that list. Neither is anything else you feel guilty of doing. It won't help, you know, you withdrawing every time I try to make this work. You're making this harder than it should be, on me, on yourself. And if you still feel the need to make it even, if you want to make it up to me, the only thing I want from you is to forgive yourself. Because I sure as hell have nothing to forgive you. Please, stop reminding me of them. I don't- I was mad at you at first, but as I said it was those Nazi scumbags, not you, who are to blame. If you feel like giving them the win, knock yourself out. But please, leave me out of it."

Bucky was still unmoving when Tony approached him slowly, whiskey bottle still in his hand as he decided it was easier to drink straight from it.

"Please, James. I'm tired enough as it is. I don't want to- I can't think about this anymore."

He took another swing, the lack of reaction to the burning alcohol alarming and an indication that he was used to worse. Bucky finally moved, prying the bottle from his hand and setting it down beside him, before picking up a visibly drunk Tony and carrying him to his room. 

As he tucked him in and turned to leave, a murmur came from the pile of blankets he draped Tony in. 

"Bucky." 

He stilled. 

"Stay?" 

~

He woke up, feeling well-rested for the first time in years, his night terrors surprisingly not ruining his sleep. The answer to why he found in a warm body curled on top of his chest, warm sunbeams hitting his face, peaceful and content as he'd never seen it, up until now. He felt a smile creeping up on his face at Tony's sheer cuteness and childlike innocence that overcame him when asleep, puffing small breaths on Bucky's shirt. He felt himself lulling back to sleep due to how comfortable and safe he felt here, with the smaller man sleeping soundly on him, and as he brought his arms up to hug Tony protectively, he glanced one more time at his face. His long lashes cast shadows that danced on his pale face as his eyes fluttered a little in his sleep, his eyebrows slightly furrowed as he relaxed again with a small sigh escaping his lips when Bucky enveloped him in a hug. 

He didn't deserve this, but he would walk through hell and back again so that one day, he would.

**Author's Note:**

> liked it? drop suggestions or prompts for new stories on tumblr @ironmanstan
> 
> comments & kudos appreciated! <3


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